My Hairy Brother

Lyrics

Bake-Off

Watchin' the Olympic Games

I Wanna Be on Survivor III

Australian Game Show

Waiting for Survivor II

Santa's on the Web This Year

Election Nights

Isle of "Survivor"

1999

Nose Ring Time

Calling for Pizza

One, two, three, uh!
My baby don't mess around when she is in the kitchen, this I know fo' sho'.
She makes some snicker doodles that will have you droolin' 'til it hits the flo'.
I try to snatch one when they're coolin' on the rack, I get the evil eye.
These cookies aren't for me, they're gonna make her famous, help her win first prize.

At the Bake-Off, Bake-Off.
Bake-Off, Bake-Off.

She's under pressure, still her pies impress ya,
I'll eat the lemon custard 'til there's none left at all (All gone!).
Just try her cheesecake, it'll make your knees quake,
But her vanilla truffles are the best of them all (You know!).
Can't keep this recipe from me forever,
Now what makes, now what makes, what makes your bundt cake so moist?
So why ya why ya, why are you delayin', it's cruel to keep us waitin'
When you know we're all hungry here.

Y'all don't want me here, you just wanna eat.
Bake-Off (Don't set the oven timer), Bake-Off (Just be my Aunt Jemima).
Bake-Off (Can't think of nothin' sweeter), Bake-Off (Just let me lick your beater).

Alright contestants (Yeah!), now who are you gonna bake like today? (Julia Child!)
I can't hear ya!  I said are we gonna have any *frozen* cakes today? (F*** Sara Lee!)
Alright alright alright...don't fight don't fight put down that butcher knife,
Okay now judges (Yeah!)
Now we gonna bake this thing up in just a few seconds.
Now don't have us grease this cookie sheet for nothin',
I wanna see y'all on your fattest behavior.
Lend me some sugar, I am your baker!  Here we go,

Mix it, mix it, mix it...like a second-rate DJ
Roll it, roll it, roll it...like a Cheech and Chong doobie
Spread it, spread it, spread it...like a Hollywood hooker
Bake it, bake it, bake it...like George Hamilton's skin
(Now while you wannabe Betty Crockers and Chef Boyardees get in the kitchen
   with your recipe books, you know what to cook, you know what to cook)

Bake-Off, Bake-Off (I'm just bakin' cupcakes).
Bake-Off, Bake-Off (I'm just bakin' brownies).
Bake-Off, Bake-Off (I'm just mixin' frosting).
Bake-Off, Bake-Off (I'm just spillin' flour).

Watchin' the Olympic Games

In the land of Mormon piety
They could not resist a little bribery
The competition was fierce, you see
And so Salt Lake assured victory
With cash and prostitutes for the IOC
To bring home the Olympic Games

I love watchin' the Olympic Games
'Cause I dig muscular, hairy dames
And hearing Bob Costas mispronounce their names, yeah yeah
Watchin' the Olympic Games

This is what's on NBC today
Shown conveniently on tape delay
There's the skater with the sister who died of cancer
(That was touching)
The skier who had both his arms amputated
(That was touching)
And the entire bobsled team who conquered tooth decay
The feel-good story of the day

I love watchin' the Olympic Games
To see Scott Hamilton's receding mane
As he gushes about the skater from Ukraine
Who just landed a Salchow with an ankle sprain

I love watchin' the Olympic Games
Especially the sports where the athletes get maimed
A lifetime of training goin' down the drain
As the world watches them writhing there in pain

Skeleton: isn't that the same as luge?
Look at that speed skater, her thighs are huge!
I love watchin' the Olympic Games

I Wanna Be on Survivor III

I wanna be on Survivor III
Been workin' on my duplicity
Please, Mark Burnett, say you will cast me
'Cause I wanna be on Survivor III

I watch Survivor each and every week
My friends all think that I’m a loser geek
But through all their taunts I know that I'll prevail
This is no lie, I just put my video in the mail, 'cause

I wanna be on Survivor III
Rich Hatch is nothing compared to me
I would betray my own mom, you see
'Cause I wanna be on Survivor III

Put me on the show
Watch me banter with Jeff Probst
I will win the game
Then make my agent work to milk my fifteen minutes of fame

I know starvation is a big concern
Probably second only to accidental burns
But I am prepared for eating rats and twigs
'Cause I've been practicing on my brother's guinea pigs

I wanna be on Survivor III
Get interviewed on late night TV
Websites would be built to worship me
So I wanna be on Survivor III

I wanna be on Survivor III
I wanna be on Survivor III
I wanna be on Survivor III
I wanna be on Survivor III

Australian Game Show

We were sixteen American schmucks
Lured by Mark Burnett
We came out here to win one million bucks
And get offers to star in Reebok ads
No one told us there'd be forest fires
Or smaller ones we'd fall into
Our only lucky break, that stopped starvation
Was that Kimmi gave us her share of the pig meat

Oh yeah, all right
Gotta win the blankets
Or we'll freeze all night
We're on an Australian game show

Jeff brings us name brand prizes to win
But not the one we need, Arrid Extra Dry
Hunger makes our bones show through grimy skin
But our chef can't perform,
Runnin' scared of the Jerri Queen
Get that horny girl a Hershey bar
Before she molests a crocodile
Finally they'd get their sex in the Outback
So you will watch during sweeps week

Burned out, uptight
Don't defend the chickens
Or there'll be a catfight
We're on an Australian game show

Outwit, outplay
Here in Barramundi
Watch us waste away
We're on an abusive game show

We are CBS's last hope

I want my own cable talk show

Waiting for Survivor II

So long
Since the island affair,
Since Tagi crushed Pagong
I miss it so much I'm out of my mind
I only know it's a matter of time
'Til another one, yeah the Aussie one

Let's cut the bull, let's speak the truth
I love Jeff Probst and you do too

Maybe I'm wrong
But I heard after the Super Bowl it's on
My VCR's let me down before
This time I wanna be sure

I've been waiting for Survivor II to fill my empty life
I've been waiting for sixteen brand new schemers to arrive
I've been waiting for the Outback crew, for dingos, rice and guile
Yeah, waiting for Survivor II to make TV worthwhile

I've been waiting, for Burnett's number two
Tribal council on the falls

Santa's on the Web This Year

Christmas comin', don't act surprised
I can see the lust in your eyes
Gifticipation
You drool over what Santa will bring
But I hear he's been procrastinating
You'll see empty stockings

Santa's on the Web this year
He won't be bringing Christmas cheer
He left the workshop empty
‘Cause that Napster is so tempting, baby

Forget the milk, he's easy to please
A cup of Java with some cookies
While he's day trading
Keeps his modem hummin' all day
To pay his ISP bills he sold his sleigh
An auction on eBay

Santa's on the Web this year
No exercise for those reindeer
He fools the lonely guys in chatrooms
Posing as a sixteen-year-old girl

Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen, Rudolph too
Are foraging for reindeer kibble on Yahoo!
Santa wants to build a network for the elves
He's installed like fifty routers
And he's upgraded their browsers
But their download speed ain't gonna change
Until the North Pole gets in range to hook up DSL

Mrs. Claus is feeling forlorn
While he downloads Eskimo porn
Iditaroding
Billy wants a Nintendo game
But Santa's busy writing a nasty flame
Those newbies are so lame

Santa's on the Web this year
Down your chimney he'll not appear
Didn't read the list you sent him
He's online 24/7, baby

Not makin' toys, a-like he should
He don't care if you're bad or good
He's got to find a site that has the latest Limp Bizkit MP3

Santa's on the Web, oh dear
He's callin' his aunt in Long Island for free
And namin' his own price on airfare to Puerto Vallarta
[Wait, better make that Seattle so he can save the shipping on that N'Sync CD he just ordered from Amazon.]

Red lyrics = sung by men
Blue lyrics = sung by women
Black lyrics = sung by both

I went votin', had me a blast
I didn't notice, it happened so fast
I made my choice, clear as can be
I punched the wrong hole, oh woe is me
Election Day drifted away
But the count goes on for many nights

It was Gore, it was Gore
Won the popular vote
Bush got more, Bush got more
The 'lectoral college says so

Go Al (Go George) Go Al (Go George) Go Al (Go George Dubya)

Here in Palm Beach, we got confused
Don't prolong this, we're not amused
Pat Buchanan?  That's not what I meant!
It's too late, the thank-yous are sent
Send our ex-Secretary of State
Down to Jeb, so that we don't get screwed

We concede, Gore's been beat
No wait, we take that back
Don't impede, let Bush lead
Got a cabinet to stack

Take a stand for our man
Don't you rush this thing through
Count by hand, ain't so grand
If you try it we'll sue

Vote again, vote again
Each Floridian's right
Let it end, let it end
Al can go fly a kite

Go Al (Go George) Go Al (Go George) Go Al (Go George Dubya)...

Isle of "Survivor"

Castaways, stranded alone
Got no beer, got no Game Boy
Can't call for pizza on your coconut phone
Got to rough it on national TV
Lord of the Flies, while the tape rolls
Got to build an alliance
Each tribal council could be your curtain call
'Less, of course, you've won immunity

It's the isle of "Survivor" where they're takin' their shot
At one mil, but the contract had a rider
It takes more than a taste for rat to win you the pot
'Cause each week they kick one off the isle
Isle of "Survivor"

Every week I watch with my friends
While they scheme in Rattana
But if I have to see Rich naked again
I just might snap, and shoot my TV

It's the isle of "Survivor" where the faces are long
As they wish rice were just the appetizer
You might root for the Tagi, or perhaps the Pagong
In the challenges held on the isle
Isle of "Survivor"

It's the isle of "Survivor" where America tunes
Every Wednesday a CBS reviver
It might seem kinda silly but we watch these buffoons
As they bicker and starve on the isle
Isle of "Survivor"

I was dreamin' when I wrote this, forgive me if it goes astray
But when I woke up this mornin' coulda sworn it was Y2K
I went to get some cash but my bank thinks I'm overdrawn
Tried to watch some Jerry Springer but the power had been out since dawn

Say say two lousy zero zeros and computers can't tell the time
So tonight I'm gonna panic like it's 1999.

There's three weeks worth of garbage fermenting out in the street
The water gave me scurvy and McDonald's served me dalmatian meat
A plane crashed into the looters at the Circle K
But the fire trucks and medics were sent five miles away

Say say two lousy zero zeros and computers can't tell the time
So tonight I'm gonna panic like it's 1999.

The cages malfunctioned, zookeeper's knockin' on my door
Got a lion in my back yard, and baby he's ready to roar
The satellite told us that Canada had launched a strike
But our trusty Star Wars system was brought down by a power spike

Say say two lousy zero zeros and computers can't tell the time
So tonight I'm gonna panic like it's 1999.
Code it one more time
Say say my tech stocks have collapsed and I no longer have a dime
So tonight I'm gonna panic like it's 1929.
1999, 1999
Hey man, aren't these synthesizers Y2K compliant?  I told you we shoulda used a string section instead!

[Canadian pilot] We have impact.  Nice shot, Toronto base.

Nose Ring Time

Nose ring time,
Open all the holes Mother Nature did not give you
Nose ring time,
Close your eyes and clench your teeth 'til the needle passes through
Nose ring time,
Frenum, septum, nipple, navel, tongue, or Prince Albert too
Nose ring time,
You don't have to show it to me, I trust you

I know where I want to pierce myself

Nose ring time,
Time for you to go out and do what all your friends have done
Nose ring time,
This wound will be open for another five or six long months
So go show off your metal, hoop, stud, spike, or barbell
I hope you've impressed your friends
Nose ring time,
Every new rebellion becomes another annoying trend

I know where my mom will spank me now

Tongue ring time,
Is that hard to talk with or does it help you chew your food?

I know where I want to pierce myself

Nose ring time,
Did they boil the needle after it was in that last guy's end?

So lazily slumped on the basement couch
That they could not rise up from a slouch
The red light flickers, the smoke goes up
Someone leans over and pukes in a cup
They deftly maneuver around the mess
Pipe burning fast toward emptiness
Restless and bored, they smoke through the day
Their greenage is potent, and blows them away
As they speed to the finish of their second bowl
One kid admits that he voted for Dole
The upstairs is empty except for his mom
His father's away at a conference in Guam

The sun has gone down and the moon has come up
And long ago someone knocked over the cup
But he's smiling and dialing and waiting on hold
And hoping the driver won't let it get cold

'Cause he's calling for pizza, he's dialing with speed
He ordered two extra large with cheese
Because they're smoking and toking and loading the bowl
The munchies are something that they cannot control
He's calling for pizza

No corn chips, no salsa, tequila or lime
They're haunted by cupboards that are bare this time
Mind-bending visions of mauve and chartreuse
Assail him, impale him with every drug use
In his mind he's a seagull, flying so high
He's dropping a turd in the principal's eye
'Cause they're huffing and puffing, polluting their brains
Existence is something that they cannot explain

The sun has gone down and the moon has come up
And long ago someone knocked over the cup
But he's smiling and dialing and waiting on hold
And hoping the driver won't let it get cold

'Cause he's calling for pizza, he's dialing with speed
He ordered two extra large with cheese
Because they're smoking and toking and loading the bowl
The munchies are something that they cannot control
They're smoking and toking and loading the bowl
The munchies are something that they cannot control
He's calling for pizza, he's dialing with speed
He's calling for pizza

[Stoner 1] Hey man, your mom can't smell that, can she?
[Stoner 2] Nah, dude, she's upstairs mowin' the lawn!
[Stoner 1] Cool!  Hey, I'll give ya ten bucks if ya drink the bong water.
[Stoner 2] No way, dude.  Twenty!